GBP
Watched The Tinder Swindler a couple of days ago and it bought up some thoughts and emotions. Having myself experienced deception and manipulation on a pretty grand scale a few years ago, and although healed I feel it is worth discussing this because 'masquerade' and 'deception' are I feel so commonplace now that we need the tools to spot and deal with them. I do feel that many people are becoming privy to this which is heartening to see, but just incase...it is always good to discuss and remind eh!
The TJF HWB is maybe not somewhere where you expect this, ha! (and I might carve another area myself for these topics in the future) but this stuff is just good to be aware of. Also, society is still catching up on how to hold those who manipulate accountable. The fact that Simon Leviev from The Tinder Swindler does not legally have to pay back his victims is unbelievable.
https://screenrant.com/tinder-swindler-simon-leviev-jail-no-reason/
Until we have systems in place that better support (and let's keep working on that of course) we must empower ourselves as individuals with knowledge and self love.
Master manipulators swindle even the most aware of people too so it's key to not shame or diminish yourself. But taking responsibility (not blame) and understanding our own biases so we learn how to avoid traps and sabotages as much as possible will serve us well.
There are many flags to watch out for, elements to be aware of and so much helpful information and support groups now so I'll just mention a few to get us going.
- Incongruence - Look out for behavior not aligning with what is said. Trust is formed when they line up.
- A respectful and loving relationship is one where you can talk openly. Don't allow anyone to shut you down for expressing your thoughts (covertly or overtly, guilt tripping, silent treatment...) A healthy relationship is one where each party wants to learn and grow together.
- Self love - you are enough. Yes, we all want love and acceptance. But give that to yourself first. Wanting to share is beautiful and part of being human but this societal message of 'I'm not enough without someone else' or 'someone else completes me' is not helpful. The paradox of this belief in 'I just want love' is that being inauthentic or trying TOO hard to get it means it likely isn't love. Love is expansive connection. Not a narrowing cling or dependence. Sharing, love, growing with someone can of course be a value for you BUT if you only feel worth when in a relationship this needs investigating. In fact, don't wrap your self worth into anything external to you. You are a unique individual with your own gifts and although we get fulfilment in what we pursue (and that's great) don't wrap your worth into it. Otherwise you create scenarios where you are only worthy when you do or reach 'X'. Focus on what makes YOU tick, feel alive...point towards that and those that naturally align with you will be attracted.
- Be careful of loveboming....it plays into the 'romantic' or 'idealists' trap with the manipulator being 'everything you want' as a means of then controlling you. Take your time.
- Triangulation - Watch for those that pit people against each other
- Do you feel confused in your relationship? This is not a good sign. But investigate further, with support from friends or a therapist.
- Hypocrisy. One rule for you, another for them. They might SAY they respect and do certain things but their actions say differently. Are they congruent? And are they always shifting the goalposts when it suits them? Notice the behavior more than the words.
- Do you feel an attempt to separate you, isolate you from others? This makes you easier to control. It is a fear tactic used on a personal and societal level. Don't allow it.
- Exercise boundaries. Those that respect you understand this. Also, watch out for those that constantly frame their desires as 'boundaries' yet don't show your genuine boundaries respect.
- Do you sense they are trying to make you feel bad in some way regularly? Are you walking on eggshells?Another form of control. A healthy relationship is a team. Don't put up with it. Speak up about it. If they are dangerous get help and leave.
- Acting 'nice' is of course welcome, starting from good faith, but it can also be used to manipulate so keep an eye on that congruence again. That's why it can be so baffling for people ('they seemed so nice, so kind...etc') This is often the realm of covert behavior. Acting nice and being a nice or at least decent person are two different things. One face to you, another behind closed doors. Authenticity is the key. Someone who respects you wants the authentic you, not just 'shut up and be nice' for them. Of course, being respectful is a value we should hold right?...but if you aren't aligned in your values as partners or they don't like you then it is ON THEM to speak up or leave. Otherwise they are not taking responsibility and are possibly wanting to control and change you. This is suppressing, whereas growing together lovingly is different to this...it's expansive.
- Like in the '4 agreements'...don't assume. Find out for yourself
- And of course, like in the documentary....watch out for big asks of money, especially when you don't really know them. Take your time, don't be rushed, bullied and caught up in the 'romantic sweep'. Those that manipulate prey on those that are compassionate, and those that are healthy can stand on their own two feet. Obviously if you are in a long term trusting relationship and you know each other well then make your call....but even then...knowing all the facts. This is complex stuff and manipulation can also build slowly over time, and of course people can change. Have you spotted any flags? Do not give big, and wait...does the evidence show that they take responsibility? Do they pay you back asap and genuinely work at addressing their situation? Get a second opinion from those that you trust. You are not there to save and it does them a disservice also if they depend on you.
Lastly, this isn't about losing trust in each other and being suspicious and on edge all the time. That is not productive either. These just help us to keep eyes open and not be naive. And if you have or ever will experience manipulation reach out and get support, heal, learn and eventually don't let this define you. The point is then to move on and thrive unencumbered. And we are all works in progress so we can hold others accountable without wanting to destroy them. We can also HELP each other by making conscious our unconscious behavior.
Some more here:
Don't be guided by fear. Face it with humour, with both eyes open and I wish you every happiness.
Rhyds xxx
P.S There is a good list of cognitive biases also in that 'Designing the Mind' book I mentioned recently. Toodlooooo!
